Today's flower of the day is….

….the sublime English Rose

There is nothing more rewarding than arriving home to discover your cooker has packed in and you have a disgusting plate of lettuce leaves, cherry tomatoes and cucumber for dinner. As you challenge your wife’s decision making skills you cannot help but remember what happened involving a cucumber when you were younger:

1. You are a young imp, spending the day with your skinny cousins who for some pathetic reason eat a lot of cucumber

2. You are all running around and panting for breath and the whole room stinks of cucumber thanks to the smell exuding from their rotten infantile mouths

3. After a few hours of inhaling this grotesque smell you become dizzy and pass out only to be awoken by your lard-arse Aunty waving a cucumber in your face as she tries to resuscitate you with gross cucumber breath in your mouth

4.You puke in her fat mouth and the cucumber drops from her plump hand and smashes you in the balls

As you are sat in the garden the next morning feeling flaccid thanks to your wife you cannot help but become incensed by your neighbours deplorable wind chimes. To take your mind off this pathetic noise pollution you nurture your fragrant English Rose. The magnificent English Rose requires an abundance of water, loves full sun, prefers a well-drained soil and is best pruned early spring. It’s a hardy perennial which will send a nervous shiver down your futile spine as you eagerly await bloom. Considered England’s national flower you should ensure you remove any deadwood and suckers which appear at the base of this glorious flower asap.

Your useless little brain should be aware that if you catch yourself on a Rose thorn you should seek medical attention if the wound shows any signs of infection. The mould and fungus found on Rose thorns carries a disease known as Sporotrichosis, which if left untreated can lead to joint, lung and brain complications. 

As you're pruning away like a weak wilderbeest whilst angrily glancing at your pubescent neighbours wind chimes it’s obvious you will prick yourself on a Rose thorn and end up naked in a hospital bed. 

As you lay there like a horny supermodel with schnapps in hand whilst lying to judgemental immediate family, you will not be best pleased when your simpleton neighbour drops by with a bunch or Orange Roses. You should quickly pick your hairy bottom hole to make yourself less alluring as these are traditionally regarded as a symbol of wanting to be more than just friends...

Next time your livid neighbour arrives home to find you starkers from the waist down refereeing a naked sumo wrestling tournament in his jacuzzi why not diffuse the situation by performing a round house kick on his bird bath.

Today's flower of the day is…..

…..the graceful Magnolia

After another day feeling like your life is crumbling all around you there is nothing more gratifying than returning home from the pub to find your hysterical wife has found your 'secret' magazine collection. Your wife then becomes even more bemused as you try and explain how handy this collection has been since your early teens. However, you can quickly side-track your meddling wife by telling her you have a gift due for delivery tomorrow. When you are awoken on Saturday morning to the sound of a reversing lorry and screaming you will quickly learn your wife does not approve of the weather proof 110” TV you have purchased her.

In light of this minor domestic quibble there is nothing better than spending all day Saturday erecting a wall bracket on the side of a wall technically owned by your neighbour and placing your prized TV upon it. As you’re sat there like a member of Parliament with Whisky in hand you cannot help but admire the beauty of your prized Magnolia, which should not to be confused with the film ‘Steel Magnolia’s’ – which is based on a bunch of deluded women who are apparently as beautiful as the Magnolia, yet as tough as steel. As you try in vain to explain to your furious wife that this is a concept which beggars belief, your argument is soon validated after she attempts to grip you in a headlock and slam you into your neighbour’s fence, only to then end up stumbling and smashing into the fence herself and confirming in the process that the film is obviously floored.

The handsome Magnolia generally comes in evergreen (constant) or deciduous (dies then re-grows) form and is the official state tree of Mississippi. Please be warned that this glorious shrub/tree can grow very, very large, so ensure you take time situating it so it has plenty of room to thrive. The Magnolia loves plenty of sun and water, prefers a slightly acidic based soil (around 5.5 – 6 pH level should suffice) and has a life expectancy which exceeds that of a human. This glorious flowering shrub carries a slight drawback in that it attracts many beetles which then help to pollinate it. This can be counteracted by collecting the beetles and depositing them in the house of an annoying immediate family member - that is if you ever manage to get an invite because they are always unexpectedly turning up at your house looking for free tea and biscuits.

Next time your enraged neighbour arrives home to find you smashed on Whisky doing naked chin-ups from his favourite hanging basket, why not diffuse the situation by asking him as you fall from the basket if he'll give you a bunk back up. As he misreads this question and starts taking off his pants you should quickly re-direct his thoughts by performing a flying kick on his guttering.

Today's flower of the day is…..

…..the alluring Lupin

There is nothing more rewarding than waking on a Saturday morning to your hysterical wife demanding you immediately go and repair your neighbour’s fence. It then unravels that your Friday night went like this:

1. You inform your peeved wife you are immediately going down the pub

2. You drink 9 pints, 4 doubles and 5 shots in a little under 2 hours and invite your mates round for a wrestling tournament in your neighbours garden

3. You grab your skinny mate and swing him around like a plane slamming him into your neighbours fence

4. The fence collapses and your enraged neighbour runs out to find your friend writhing around screaming in his garden whilst your wife is screaming at you for being naked and making too much noise

As you're sat there like a movie star with beer in hand sellotaping your neighbour’s fence together you cannot help but notice the tall and fragrant Lupin gazing at you across the garden. Worried it may ruin your concentration you attempt not to make eye contact with the majestic Lupin whilst trying to persuade your feeble mind it’s none other than the fabled mythological creature ‘Medusa’. However, your efforts are futile and you cannot resist but stare at its beauty, and as your bellowing wife questions why after 3 hours you have still not re-erected your juvenile neighbours fence you can simply shut her mouth by chirpily confirming it’s not your fault ‘Medusa’ temporarily turned you to stone.

This gorgeous bloom will add depth and definition to any well groomed flower bed and thrives in plenty of sun. It prefers a well-drained soil, will flourish with plenty of water and being a perennial it will come back year after year to improve your futile little existence. Due to their ability to grow quite tall, commonly around 3 feet, it's been known for Lupin’s to suffer from wilting, so ensure you support them with a bamboo cain or stick if they show signs of drooping.

The beans which grow from this colourful hybrid are traditionally consumed as an accompaniment to Beer in Spain and Portugal, to name but a few countries. However, if you have fooled yourself into believing you have a peanut allergy it's strongly advised not to yank this breath-taking flower from the ground and eat it like a corn-on-the-cob as attention-seeking hypochondriacs (nut allergy sufferers) believe in their silly little brain that the beans from this splendid flower can cause a reaction.

Next time your furious neighbour arrives home to find you with a fishing rod in your hand plucking his favourite Koi from his pond, why not diffuse the situation by happily asking him if he likes his fish smoked. As he runs like a chubby 6 year old to grab his prized Koi why not grab another rod, cast your reel at his backside and proceed in giving him the biggest wedgie ever.

Today's flower of the day is...

….the spellbinding Honeysuckle

There's nothing more motivating than waking to your deluded wife querying how much you spent down the pub the night before, and then being informed your languid neighbour is taking legal action against the puddle of chunder leading up his driveway, over his door step, across his front garden and stopping at your gardens border.

In spite of this harrowing start to the day, the glorious Honeysuckle, not to be confused with a Bristolian's Chuckle (ooer ooer me-hearty ooer) has a jaw dropping aroma sure to send your puerile little brain into a wild frenzy.

As you're sat there laughing aloud like a millionnaire with Tequila in hand, trying in vain to convince your unreasonable neighbour you are not responsible for the numerous Tequila maggots sauntering across his patio, your pathetic brain may be drawn to the fact your tempatious Honeysuckle is attracting hundreds of pollinating, raunchy Moths to the neighbourhood turning it into a mini Hampstead Heath for the little blighters.

I can personally confirm that Robin's are also a big fan of the berries which grow from this sometimes aggressive climber, and this can be best demonstrated by the little puddles of shit they kindly leave on your windows and patio. Its also very frustrating when your wife chooses to feed the little sods cheese and other foodstuffs which result in the Robin having a better balanced diet and more regular bowel movements than yourself.

This said, the berries are poisonous to humans and lead to nausea and diarrhoea. Unfortunately I can validate this thanks to a Whisky fuelled attack which led me to eating the berries in retaliation to the little buggers eating me out of house and home. I was walking around for a week like John Wayne and my bottom hole felt like it had a wooden spoon lodged in it.

Next time you are smashed on Aftershock and dressed solely in your brown leather belt, chasing a Robin around your rage engulfed neighbours garden why not chirpily explain to the jealous fool what happened when you ate the berries and diffuse the situation by pelting Honeysuckle berries into his silly mouth.

Today's flower of the day is….

….the mesmerising Peony 

There’s nothing more rewarding than coming home from the pub to your baby crying like a banshee and being told by your irate Wife that you have an Ants infestation. Unfortunately the subtlety scented Peony is a drug for ants thanks to the sweet juices which exude from its buds prior to bloom. Your humiliation only intensifies as you explain to your friends, all of which are jubilantly sat in the pub that you cannot attend as you are in the middle of trying to rid your mouth of ants whilst your Wife goes into hysterics 2 inches from your face. This is clearly your petulant neighbours fault.

Flower of the Day does not condone animal cruelty (apart from towards cats, of course) so rather than stamp on the little shits you should instead wait until your juvenile neighbour has gone out to some sort of backwards social club and then set your trap.

You simply need to rustle up a little dish consisting of honey, treacle, sugar, sugar puffs and manure, and run a trail from the peonies, over the fence, over his garden furniture, over his cat, over the smashed empties, over the puddle of puke, and finally roll the open tub of sticky shit through his cat flap like a grenade. When the imbecile arrives home to an infestation similar to that of the closing scenes of Arachnophobia (albeit with  ants) you have completed your task.

The enchanting Peony, which happens to be the State flower of Indiana requires well-drained soil, plenty of water and ideally full sun, although partial shade will not be an issue. The soil type will play an integral role in determining how your Peony develops, as a sandy, dry soil will result in more foliage and less flowers, whereas a clay, water based soil will mean more flowers. This is a highly scented bloom and is a popular choice for flower arrangements and bouquets. Traditionally this charming flower will bloom between May and June and fill your garden with the joys of summer – and ants.

As your hopping mad neighbour arrives home to find his house teeming with ants, and you all but naked apart from a headband on your head erecting a 5-a-side goal in his garden, why not chirpily ask if he fancies a kick-around. As he chases you around his garden whilst covered top to toe in red ants why not diffuse the situation by demanding he immediately gets in goal whilst smashing a 30 yarder with all your might against his fence.

Today's flower of the day is….

….the foxy Dahlia

Not to be confused with a football-loving-female-chef the spine-tingling Dahlia is a popular floret that can be found in thousands of gardens throughout this forlorn country. This beautiful, colourful and proud flower will ignite your miserable garden into a drunken shrine of love and tranquillity. Dahlia’s should be planted from bulb around mid-May to early-June, ideally after the last frost. They require a fertile, well-drained soil and will thrive in a sunny flower bed or pot. They come in an array of colours, shapes and sizes and almost all types are now a hybrid of some sort. 

You need to ensure you keep them well watered and although it can be tiresome stood in your garden with a hose in your hand you could always entertain yourself by practising hip-thrusts dressed solely in your Speedo’s in full view of your deplorable neighbour.

Known as the national flower of Mexico, I have discovered through my experience with Dahlia’s that they are very popular with the Ladies. This was best demonstrated when my Wife and I once spotted a Dahlia breaking through the soil and lead to our relationship blossoming in more than one way…..This being the case it is advised to buy hundreds of the little beauties and situate them all in your bedroom. 

However, you will need to take care as Dahlia’s attract slugs and the last thing you want is for a slug to slither all over your bed moments before the young lady makes her way to your bedroom. Even if you find the little git and wield it in the air to prove it’s not 'you know what' on your bed its unlikely to impress her and get her back in the mood for a bit of “Knock Knock - Who’s there - Bob - Bob who? - Bob the Knob!!”.

As Dahlia’s require a rich and fertile soil you can get great results by spreading manure over your chosen Dahlia plot prior to planting. You should remember that manure can be an intrusive garden supplement and consider your neighbours prior to placement. After you have emptied a ton of shit on your garden be sure to even it out, and plant your bulbs without the soil/manure being too damp. Any leftover manure can simply be disposed of in the boot of your neighbours car. Whilst hip-thrusts can be great fun, especially in full view of your arrogant neighbour as he’s sat on his patio accompanied by his pitiful guests, you should mix up your routine to work different parts of your flaccid body. Star jumps are a popular exercise and the rapid arm movements should ensure good water coverage of both yours, and your neighbour’s patio.

Next time you are paralytic on Schnapps and caught by your greedy neighbour watering your flowers with his hose pipe why not diffuse the situation by turning the hose to ‘Jet’ and firing it against his crotch.

Today's flower of the day is…..

...the sweetly scented Lavender

This delicately scented little pearl of a flower is a vital ingredient for many therapy’s, helping to soothe, relax and reduce anxiety and stress. Therefore it’s vital that you have an abundance of this around your home the next time you have unwelcome visitors come to stay for a few days. No doubt they will impose themselves and have you counting down the hours until they rid you of their scrounging little ways, and the subtle placement of Lavender in the hallway, living room, kitchen, family room, conservatory, hallway, toilet/s, bedrooms and garden should help sedate them into an almost constant sleep state. Once the silly little fools finally wake up and sod off you simply need to kindly dispose of the all Lavender through your bitter neighbour’s letter box.

Lavender thrives in well drained, almost sandy soil and needs exposure to full sun. You must ensure the surrounding soil is not damp as this increases the risk of the roots rotting, so try and ensure it’s planted in a well-ventilated position and once established don’t worry too much about watering it. The scent of this must have flower, which can be enhanced in an Alkaline based soil, may induce a feeble little shudder when it hits your snot riddled nostrils, and due to its overly fragrant nature it can cause havoc for Hayfever sufferers. 

The issue here is quite simple – Bogey Nose Syndrome (BNS). There’s nothing worse than going on a date and just as your about to go in for the kill spotting a steaming, pulsating, stream of snot running from both nostrils, across the lips and down under the chin. If you’re really unlucky you may have already planted a smacker and be covered top to toe in yellow phlegm. 

Some tried and tested one-liners can be found below to subtlety tell a sufferer of Bogey Nose Syndrome (BNS) they are making you feel sick to the core of your wretched stomach:

1. Hi mate, what’s all that yellow stuff pouring out your mouth/nose?

2. Have you had a family of snail’s travel across your face in the last 5 minutes?

3. Are you in the porn industry?

Next time you are caught stood on top of your selfish neighbour’s patio furniture, naked from the waist down with Whisky in hand trying to beat your record number of Hula-Hoop rotations why not diffuse the situation by tossing the Hula Hoop around his pencil neck whilst proudly confirming that a few seconds after finishing Hula-Hooping you tend to suffer from involuntary bowel movements.