Today's flower of the day is….

….the foxy Dahlia

Not to be confused with a football-loving-female-chef the spine-tingling Dahlia is a popular floret that can be found in thousands of gardens throughout this forlorn country. This beautiful, colourful and proud flower will ignite your miserable garden into a drunken shrine of love and tranquillity. Dahlia’s should be planted from bulb around mid-May to early-June, ideally after the last frost. They require a fertile, well-drained soil and will thrive in a sunny flower bed or pot. They come in an array of colours, shapes and sizes and almost all types are now a hybrid of some sort. 

You need to ensure you keep them well watered and although it can be tiresome stood in your garden with a hose in your hand you could always entertain yourself by practising hip-thrusts dressed solely in your Speedo’s in full view of your deplorable neighbour.

Known as the national flower of Mexico, I have discovered through my experience with Dahlia’s that they are very popular with the Ladies. This was best demonstrated when my Wife and I once spotted a Dahlia breaking through the soil and lead to our relationship blossoming in more than one way…..This being the case it is advised to buy hundreds of the little beauties and situate them all in your bedroom. 

However, you will need to take care as Dahlia’s attract slugs and the last thing you want is for a slug to slither all over your bed moments before the young lady makes her way to your bedroom. Even if you find the little git and wield it in the air to prove it’s not 'you know what' on your bed its unlikely to impress her and get her back in the mood for a bit of “Knock Knock - Who’s there - Bob - Bob who? - Bob the Knob!!”.

As Dahlia’s require a rich and fertile soil you can get great results by spreading manure over your chosen Dahlia plot prior to planting. You should remember that manure can be an intrusive garden supplement and consider your neighbours prior to placement. After you have emptied a ton of shit on your garden be sure to even it out, and plant your bulbs without the soil/manure being too damp. Any leftover manure can simply be disposed of in the boot of your neighbours car. Whilst hip-thrusts can be great fun, especially in full view of your arrogant neighbour as he’s sat on his patio accompanied by his pitiful guests, you should mix up your routine to work different parts of your flaccid body. Star jumps are a popular exercise and the rapid arm movements should ensure good water coverage of both yours, and your neighbour’s patio.

Next time you are paralytic on Schnapps and caught by your greedy neighbour watering your flowers with his hose pipe why not diffuse the situation by turning the hose to ‘Jet’ and firing it against his crotch.