Today's flower of the day is….

….the mesmerising Peony 

There’s nothing more rewarding than coming home from the pub to your baby crying like a banshee and being told by your irate Wife that you have an Ants infestation. Unfortunately the subtlety scented Peony is a drug for ants thanks to the sweet juices which exude from its buds prior to bloom. Your humiliation only intensifies as you explain to your friends, all of which are jubilantly sat in the pub that you cannot attend as you are in the middle of trying to rid your mouth of ants whilst your Wife goes into hysterics 2 inches from your face. This is clearly your petulant neighbours fault.

Flower of the Day does not condone animal cruelty (apart from towards cats, of course) so rather than stamp on the little shits you should instead wait until your juvenile neighbour has gone out to some sort of backwards social club and then set your trap.

You simply need to rustle up a little dish consisting of honey, treacle, sugar, sugar puffs and manure, and run a trail from the peonies, over the fence, over his garden furniture, over his cat, over the smashed empties, over the puddle of puke, and finally roll the open tub of sticky shit through his cat flap like a grenade. When the imbecile arrives home to an infestation similar to that of the closing scenes of Arachnophobia (albeit with  ants) you have completed your task.

The enchanting Peony, which happens to be the State flower of Indiana requires well-drained soil, plenty of water and ideally full sun, although partial shade will not be an issue. The soil type will play an integral role in determining how your Peony develops, as a sandy, dry soil will result in more foliage and less flowers, whereas a clay, water based soil will mean more flowers. This is a highly scented bloom and is a popular choice for flower arrangements and bouquets. Traditionally this charming flower will bloom between May and June and fill your garden with the joys of summer – and ants.

As your hopping mad neighbour arrives home to find his house teeming with ants, and you all but naked apart from a headband on your head erecting a 5-a-side goal in his garden, why not chirpily ask if he fancies a kick-around. As he chases you around his garden whilst covered top to toe in red ants why not diffuse the situation by demanding he immediately gets in goal whilst smashing a 30 yarder with all your might against his fence.