Today's flower of the day is…..

...the sweetly scented Lavender

This delicately scented little pearl of a flower is a vital ingredient for many therapy’s, helping to soothe, relax and reduce anxiety and stress. Therefore it’s vital that you have an abundance of this around your home the next time you have unwelcome visitors come to stay for a few days. No doubt they will impose themselves and have you counting down the hours until they rid you of their scrounging little ways, and the subtle placement of Lavender in the hallway, living room, kitchen, family room, conservatory, hallway, toilet/s, bedrooms and garden should help sedate them into an almost constant sleep state. Once the silly little fools finally wake up and sod off you simply need to kindly dispose of the all Lavender through your bitter neighbour’s letter box.

Lavender thrives in well drained, almost sandy soil and needs exposure to full sun. You must ensure the surrounding soil is not damp as this increases the risk of the roots rotting, so try and ensure it’s planted in a well-ventilated position and once established don’t worry too much about watering it. The scent of this must have flower, which can be enhanced in an Alkaline based soil, may induce a feeble little shudder when it hits your snot riddled nostrils, and due to its overly fragrant nature it can cause havoc for Hayfever sufferers. 

The issue here is quite simple – Bogey Nose Syndrome (BNS). There’s nothing worse than going on a date and just as your about to go in for the kill spotting a steaming, pulsating, stream of snot running from both nostrils, across the lips and down under the chin. If you’re really unlucky you may have already planted a smacker and be covered top to toe in yellow phlegm. 

Some tried and tested one-liners can be found below to subtlety tell a sufferer of Bogey Nose Syndrome (BNS) they are making you feel sick to the core of your wretched stomach:

1. Hi mate, what’s all that yellow stuff pouring out your mouth/nose?

2. Have you had a family of snail’s travel across your face in the last 5 minutes?

3. Are you in the porn industry?

Next time you are caught stood on top of your selfish neighbour’s patio furniture, naked from the waist down with Whisky in hand trying to beat your record number of Hula-Hoop rotations why not diffuse the situation by tossing the Hula Hoop around his pencil neck whilst proudly confirming that a few seconds after finishing Hula-Hooping you tend to suffer from involuntary bowel movements.