Today's flower of the day is…..

……the magnificent Clematis

The subtle and beautiful Clematis is well known for its climbing capabilities and if properly positioned in a sunny flower bed/pot, and in soil with a neutral pH content you will be rewarded with a handsome climber which will happily scale the side of a house, a trellis or even interweave through a bush or a tree. This is a truly splendid flower and is also very helpful in deterring bothersome and criminally minded close friends. You will need patience but a well positioned Clematis will easily scale a front door, making it near impossible for irritating friends to peer through the window and then force there way in.

Lots of people like a bit of spice in their wretched life, and many moons ago when herbs and spices were relatively expensive it was known for elderly people (40+) to inexplicably pestle and mortar the perfect Clematis as an ingredient to spice up their tasteless dishes. However if too large a quantity is consumed it can cause severe burning sensations, blood filled mouth ulcers and a very sore and itchy bottom hole. It has also been rumoured that some hapless souls will try anything to 'spice up' their oppressed sex life, even going as far as scattering Clematis over their bedding. When your smelly partner squeals out loud they are feeling "really hot", its likely this is literally the case and their erogenous zones are beginning to suffer from Clematis burns. This is unlikely to achieve the desired effect but on a positive note may force you into finally washing your grubby and soiled bed linen.

Not to confuse this stunning climber with Jack & the Beanstalk (the heartwarming tale of a small pubescent boy murdering a giant) its rumoured that many moons ago silly little boys (all adult men now aged 40+) would plant a Clematis outside their sweethearts bedroom window and perform the Riverdance whilst playing a flute in order to impress their loved one and stimulate the growth of the Clematis. Once the Clematis was big and strong enough the sexually frustrated little brat would try and climb it to get into their darlings bedroom, and then discover that not the strongest of plants they would fall from about 6 feet and come tumbling down landing bottom first on their upright flute.

Next time you are naked waist down and gyrating around your garden in the early hours of the morning, hammered on Vodka and playing the same tune over and over on your flute, why not calmly explain to your incensed neighbour that you cannot be held liable for his lack of sleep, or that your Clematis has scaled his wall and caused his property to develop subsidence. When your childlike and inconsiderate neighbour tries to yank the Clematis down you simply perform an underarm throw firing your flute towards his bottom and then further diffuse the situation by jubilantly telling him he will never be able to insure or sell his house.