Not to be confused with a Camel Toe the Tomato is an essential ingredient for cooking, salads and thrill seekers. There's nothing more entertaining than batting cherry tomatoes at elderly people (40+) as they hobble past your house at a snails pace. When you get very old (40+) your reactions slow down and your sense of direction goes out the window, making it easy to nip out the front door with Cider in hand, crouch down behind the car, wait for an old git to approach, and when they're about 20 yards away stand up, take aim and thrash a cherry tomato at their balding old head. When it smashes them in the skull sending them flying you simply duck down and piss yourself.
When the senile old sod (40+) eventually gets to their ancient feet you should quickly scatter tomatoes outside your neighbours front door and make your way back into the house, remove your Tomato stained shirt and think of some good excuses in case they don't fall for the bait and clock you. Some tried and tested excuses are as follows:
1. I did not do it
2. My silly neighbour did it
3. The tomatoes went out of date today
4. You shouldn't have farted as you walked past
5. My wife did it
Those of you with good attention to detail would have noticed from the picture above that the infamous Incredible Hulk is keeping watch on the Tomatoes. This is because pesky flies and slugs eat the darn leaves and who better than the Incredible Hulk to protect them? If I was a slug I'd take one look at Eric Bana's alter ego and instead go over to the pathetic neighbours garden and eat all their crappy flowers.
If you notice little leaves sprouting from in-between where the branches seperate you should clip these to redirect vital energy into growing fruit. Tomato plants love full sun and need plenty of water. You should water them daily and ensure you remove the bottom leaves as they attract fungus that can spread up through the flower. Remove these when the plant is around 4 inches tall or your tomatoes will taste like a wrinkly old man's ballbag.
Next time you are bollock naked, alone in your garden with a tennis racquet in your hand, totally hammered on Sambuca trying in vain to convince your juvenile neighbour that the tomatoes all over his windows have nothing to do with you, why not diffuse the situation by offering him a Tomato from your Tomato plant.
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