…….the proud Lily
Not to be confused with Free Willy (the story of a skinny boy falling in love with a Killer Whale) the fragrant and delicate Lily is a symbol of Wealth, Love and Majesty. Traditionally planted from bulb this splendid flower blooms late spring to early summer and prefers a porous and well aired soil with a pH factor of around 6. The Lily loves full sun from morning to early afternoon and ideally some shade mid-afternoon to dusk. When planting the bulbs you should ensure they are buried deep to protect them from the winter months and in return they should come back year after year to spread joy into your silly life. Great care must be taken to ensure that when watering you apply enough water so it soaks through to the bulb.
If you are a lover of cats, by this I mean someone who likes cats in a non-erotic way, you may want to refrain from planting Lily’s as they are highly toxic to felines. It’s not known exactly which part of the Lily is the culprit but if a cat rudely decides to dine on this magnificent flower they will probably perish due to acute renal failure (kidney issues). I am personally having minor issues with a neighbouring cat which chooses to empty its bowels on a particular patch of my front garden, located just close enough to my front door so you get a nice whiff of its excretion every single time you leave or arrive home. Although this makes you feel sick to the core of your stomach, on the plus side it may act as a deterrent to selfish and patronising immediate family members.
Flower of the Day has become so popular we are preparing our very own feature film involving the Lily. The script generally goes like this:
1: A cat eats a Lily and must be rushed to the cat hospital
2: The cat owner has no choice but get drunk on Tequila and sit the cat on board a remote controlled boat and sail it to the cat hospital
3: Cat owner gets bored so performs a few boat tricks with cat on board
4: Boat gets stuck in reeds
5: Owner swims to rescue cat
6: Shark attack
7: Cat and owner recovery process
8: Build model boat and buy gun
9: Put boat and cat in water
10: Sail boat around and perform tricks
11: Boat gets stuck in reeds
12: Owner swims to rescue cat
13: Shoot shark
14: The End
We currently have a few roles available for anyone interested but these will be given on a first-come-first-served basis and preference will be given to any donators. The unbelievable roles available are for the cat and shark. A cat costume and mechanical shark suit will be provided but we need to raise £15 to cover the cost of these important props before we can proceed with filming. We also need to source a camcorder, a model boat, a lake, a Lily, 6 bottles of Tequila, a cat hospital, a gun and human willing to swim in a shark infested lake. Applicants must apply ASAP to avoid disappointment.
Next time you are smashed out of your head on Tequila trying to persuade your enraged neighbour that the empty bottle of Tequila sat beside a puddle of puke on their patio has nothing to do with you, why not diffuse the situation by grabbing their cat and launching it into a bunch of Lily’s.
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