…..the graceful Magnolia
After another day feeling like your life is crumbling all around you there is nothing more gratifying than returning home from the pub to find your hysterical wife has found your 'secret' magazine collection. Your wife then becomes even more bemused as you try and explain how handy this collection has been since your early teens. However, you can quickly side-track your meddling wife by telling her you have a gift due for delivery tomorrow. When you are awoken on Saturday morning to the sound of a reversing lorry and screaming you will quickly learn your wife does not approve of the weather proof 110” TV you have purchased her.
In light of this minor domestic quibble there is nothing better than spending all day Saturday erecting a wall bracket on the side of a wall technically owned by your neighbour and placing your prized TV upon it. As you’re sat there like a member of Parliament with Whisky in hand you cannot help but admire the beauty of your prized Magnolia, which should not to be confused with the film ‘Steel Magnolia’s’ – which is based on a bunch of deluded women who are apparently as beautiful as the Magnolia, yet as tough as steel. As you try in vain to explain to your furious wife that this is a concept which beggars belief, your argument is soon validated after she attempts to grip you in a headlock and slam you into your neighbour’s fence, only to then end up stumbling and smashing into the fence herself and confirming in the process that the film is obviously floored.
The handsome Magnolia generally comes in evergreen (constant) or deciduous (dies then re-grows) form and is the official state tree of Mississippi. Please be warned that this glorious shrub/tree can grow very, very large, so ensure you take time situating it so it has plenty of room to thrive. The Magnolia loves plenty of sun and water, prefers a slightly acidic based soil (around 5.5 – 6 pH level should suffice) and has a life expectancy which exceeds that of a human. This glorious flowering shrub carries a slight drawback in that it attracts many beetles which then help to pollinate it. This can be counteracted by collecting the beetles and depositing them in the house of an annoying immediate family member - that is if you ever manage to get an invite because they are always unexpectedly turning up at your house looking for free tea and biscuits.
Next time your enraged neighbour arrives home to find you smashed on Whisky doing naked chin-ups from his favourite hanging basket, why not diffuse the situation by asking him as you fall from the basket if he'll give you a bunk back up. As he misreads this question and starts taking off his pants you should quickly re-direct his thoughts by performing a flying kick on his guttering.
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