Today's flower of the day is.....

......the beloved Pansy

ATTENTION: Reader incentive coming soon - keep your silly eyes peeled!!

Put simply; the Pansy is a national treasure. Its rumoured that famous writers, historians and poets, including the legendary William Shakespeare have utilised the beauty of the Pansy in their work. The gentle Pansy can be grown as a spring/summer flower or being winter hardy can also be nurtured as a fine winter bloom to liven up your decrepit and miserable garden. Like a lot of striking flowers you must spend time de-heading Pansies to encourage growth in order to keep them at their most beautiful and make the most of their dazzling looks. Being a hybrid the Pansy can be bought in a delicate fusion of colours ranging from white, purple, orange, yellow and red just to name a few; the list is truly endless and more than your silly little deluded mind will be able to comprehend.

Pansies relish water but you must be very careful not to over-water otherwise you run the risk of murdering them. I’m in the process of setting up a ‘Flower Police’ rapid response unit to eradicate flower abuse in the Bristol area. The unit’s mission statement is as follows: ATTENTION: If you have a garden you better look after it you little shite bag. The firm leaf of the law will hunt you down and squirt you in the face/balls with a well-known weed killer if you do not prune and treat flowers with respect and passion. A flower is for life - not just for summer.

You can apply to be part of this elite taskforce by emailing me your application. To be considered you must express why you wish to be part of this secret unit, have a passion for gardening and a willingness to engage in hand-to-hand combat. An American accent, or the ability to falsify an American accent is desired to add fear when engaging in a massive argument with a little flower hating shit bag. The best way to describe this unit is that we are like the eye of Mordor, and the suckers who do not love flowers are like little Frodo, wilting under our gaze like little pathetic peons.

Not to be confused with a bearded sailor a Pansy has almost human like features, and its rumoured that Pansies can communicate with animals and very, very old people (40+). I’m not saying you can go out, buy a Pansy and invite it to your stag do, but if you are ever at a loose end on a Friday night, you may want to invite some loved one’s round for a beer or ten, huddle around a camp fire and hum the Pansy riddle.....

The Pansy riddle

 I feel it in my petals, I feel it in my roots

 Pansies are all around me, and so the Pansies grow

 Their blowing in the wind, their everywhere I dig

 So if you really love me, come on and let it grow

 You know I’ll water you, I always will (even if there’s a hosepipe ban)

 My backs playing up, by the digging I’ve done

 There’s no de-heading, there be no sun

 I’m sweating so much (through gardening), I’ve got an itchy bum